My Brush With Nerd City.

I've never considered myself a nerd.

What nerd does?

That didn't stop me from going to the Comic Convention at the Javits center. There, my good friend Jon used his uncanny superpowers to get us in for free, wherein I witnessed possibly the single greatest gathering of nerds ever assembled in the history of the world. Thousands of them. Teen nerds. Pimply nerds. My-pants-are-down-to my-knees nerds. Girl nerds. Grown-up man-nerds. Nerd families. Nerds walking around with Boba Fett costumes. Whatever kind of nerd you can drum up in your mind, there was a generous helping of them at this show. Anyway, I don't collect comics anymore, but I do collect vintage toys and thought there might be a few scattered around. No such luck.

All was not lost; amongst the many nerd-clusters, action-figure displays and giveaway racks, I managed to find the largest plastic bag I have ever seen with a handle. (Sidebar: it doesn't take much to make me happy.) Check out the beer I put next to it for size reference. Because when you're trying to establish size reference, what's the first thing you think of? A beer.

This bag was big. It still is. Notice how the corners don't even make it into the photo.

Got an extra washing machine laying around? Put it in this bag. Need somewhere to put those four winter tires from your SUV? Grab this bag. Looking for a place to store that armoire? Drop it in this bag. You're supposed to jam this tent with all the useless free crap they give away. Of course, then you can't lift it. Not their problem.

Mila Jovovich is supposed to be there too, signing autographs, and just standing around looking hot.

For me, she's the only thing at that show worth taking home in that bag.

T-Mobile Sucks. Here's why.

A few weeks ago, I couldn't say enough good things about the T-Mobile dealer where I got my new phone and number.

As I said, that was a few weeks ago.

I just got my T-Mobile bill and there are overlapping charges for the two numbers, even though the T-Mobile guy had my new number working within 3 minutes. I assumed that meant someone would take care of my old one. Apparently, according to the microscopic legal type on page 6847754939094 of my terms-of-service contract, I am responsible for proactively cancelling my old number, even though that reasonably should have been done by the dealer immediately, considering he told me he had to switch my number and sign me on as a new customer to get me the free phone. New number necessary means old number no good. Any idiot can see this. Well, he did indeed call to cancel my number, but not for a couple of weeks. Charges accrued.

And after being a T-Mobile customer for more than 2 years with no late payments, and spending half an hour waiting on the phone with two different T-Mobile customer disservice members while they 'researched' the problem, they wouldn't extend me the simple courtesy of removing the extra $20 charge. By the end of my new contract, I will have paid them more than $1,800 in total. Obviously, I'm not going to sign with them again. Which means they just threw away the next $1,800, over a lousy 20 bucks. Dumb asses.

Catherine Zeta-Jones is still hot, though.

The most talented musician you've (n)ever heard.

His name is Dave Binder. He played a two-hour James Taylor tribute over the weekend to a crowd of about 200 at the Canalroom. He took us through some JT history, and explained lyrics along the way. It was deliciously entertaining and funny. I have a whole new appreciation of the song Mexico. It's not actually about what you might think it's about. Anyway, he sounded so much like James Taylor, it was scary. Hellen Keller would have been fooled. It was obvious that he's a highly-skilled and seasoned performer, too. He played flawlessly, dealing with a few excited fans in the front of the room from time to time, and a few loud fratboy douchebags in the back. Go see this guy if you get the chance. No, not the douchebags in the back of the room. That would be a waste. Go see Dave Binder.

You can check out his original CDs, or hear a sample of one of the JT songs at his site davebinder.com You will not believe your ears; that's him singing by the way, not James Taylor.

Way to go, Dave. Thanks for an unforgettable evening.

Spam at its lowest #3

Back for some more spam reporting. My secondary email address has again overflowed with nearly 1,600 new emails in the past few weeks, pushing everything from Viagra (or rather, \/iaagra) to auto insurance to sex toys. Here's a sampling of the subject lines from the latest batch, with some commentary as indicated by [ and ].


*Online Mexican Pharmacy
[Pass. I don't even know how to respond to this one.]

*no job no money bad credit get a VISA CARD
[Remind me not to deposit my money in this particular bank.]

*Christian Homeowners, Rates Are Low Again
[And for all you Muslims, Jews and Buddhists, Rates Are Still Pretty High.]

*Want a watch as good as a Tag Heuer? Buy it here
[Wow, you guys have set the bar pretty high. No thanks, I'd like a watch that's better than a Tag Heuer.]

*You will be ready for sex every minute of your life with Soft Viagra.
[If I have to walk around with a boner permanently, that's gonna be a problem.]

*Asian swallows a horny stud
[So, she swallowed the whole guy?]

*Your 319.00 Check is ready.
[And we'll just need your credit card, social security number, and mother's maiden name to verify this.]

*She will be available for a date if you’re taking Viagra Soft Tabs!
[Ahh, remember when life was this simple?]

*Young lady teen masturbating in a park
[No, more likely homeless man masturbating in a park.]

SuperBowl IV. Yeah, that's right, I said IV.

Sure, we just had SuperBowl 40. But I just had my fourth annual SuperBowl party. So for me, it was IV. Cut me some slack, would ya?

You might say it was another big success. We had about 50 people. Let me paint you a picture. Kate chauffeured me around the supermarkets of New Jersey in her monster truck. Brian brought his world-famous hotwings. Jon's wife Renee brought her home-made crab dip that was to die for (if I had made it, it would be to die FROM.) Elaine brought cookies. Rebecca made bacon-wrapped water chestnuts. They kicked ASS. Tammy made her ever-tasty onion dip. Gabrina made her cardiologist-approved deviled eggs. Who the hell makes deviled eggs these days, you ask? Gabrina does. Get over it. They're awesome. I ordered a Manganaro's 3-foot sub that serves roughly 600 people. Andrew, Dave, and Pilar did prop improvisation with various objects in my apartment. Massimo made coffee and humped at least three people on my couch all at once. I'm not sure, but I was told there was also a football game on tv. Thank you all for coming. Someone please send me some pictures.