Spam at its lowest #2

I wanted to follow up on my last spam report from a few weeks ago. My old yahoo account has filled up yet again with an additional 1961 bulk emails, as well as 85 new emails in my inbox, 80 of which are spam. I picked a few special ones from the bulk folder that I thought you might enjoy. I have added some commentary, as indicated by [ and ]. Here they are:

*beauteous russian goluptious Gays here
[Wait, are they saying these Gays are both beauteous AND goluptious?
You just don't see those qualities in a man much anymore.]

*Longer 0rgasms is possible for you?You think no?You WRONG
[God, this one always makes me cry, it's just written so beautifully.
And to think I've been wrong all this time.]

*rreproachable Pennis present
[Wha?]

*dead, drunk mature lady fucking with young guy
[So basically, an old lady who was drunk and, um, DEAD, was fucking 'with' a young guy? Do I have this right?]

*Nominate yourself for a Certificate
[And give yourself a big raise too!]

*Mark, Shed LBS. with H00DIA-Gordonii
[Move over, Slimfast.... there's a new sheriff in town, named, er, H00dia-something.]

*Two gorgeous girls get analed
[I'm ashamed to say that while 'analed' is hardly a proper verb, I know EXACTLY what they mean.]

*For your wife’s b-day you want to make a sperm firework for her? Soft Cialis Tab...
[Isn't that what should happen on MY birthday? I can't help but think that on her birthday, she'd prefer a pair of diamond studs.]

*mark Enjoy a Free Louis Vuitton Purse and Wallet set!
[They finally get something right... they actually personalized this one, which is smart.
Then they ruin it with an offer that's simply not believable.]

*Try Penis Enlarge Patch by yourself and tell your friend about it.
[I have no intention of trying a Penis Enlarge Patch, for starters. And if I did, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't tell my friends about it.]

*Christian lenders compete to give you the best home loan
[Ahh, but do they compete to the death? Then, and only then, will I know they are fully committed to me.]

*Take fifteen hundred - pay us later
[Whew, $1,500... finally I can pay off my whole mortgage.]

*Stop the mockeries about your small dick.
[I can't get through an hour at the office without SOMEONE mocking my small dick. Make it stop!]

Just Barely Interesting Ebay Auction.

Last year, it was an actual WW2 British aircraft carrier that sold for seven million bucks. I wanted it.

Then it was the softball-sized Cheeto that sold to a museum out west for $50,000. I didn't want that.

And now ladies and gentlemen, I present you with something that's not nearly as interesting, but still teetering on the edge of noteworthiness:

Anyone else in the mood for a Crystal Pepsi?


It's the inmate-friendly television! According to the auction, a man who spent 19 years in the U.S. prison system managed to sneak out this Swatch-cum-imac-cum-shitty tv set, when he was released. Notice how it's completely clear. In case it's not obvious why, that was probably to prevent weapons, drugs or other contraband from being hidden during cell inspections. I mean, a prisoner would never think to break off a piece of that plastic and make a knife. Or use that nice power cord for something creative.

Whatever the explanation, it has now found itself where 98% of all non-organic matter in the universe eventually ends up. On Ebay.

Step Aside, Sniglets.

Every year, The Washington Post runs a contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. I present you with the winning submissions. Many thanks to our good friend Jacqi for the forward. You can't not enjoy this.

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'.
15. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Two Opposable Thumbs Way Up.

I saw King Kong on Friday night with some friends. It was spectacular. Except for the family sitting behind us who brought their annoying, screaming, blabbering children. (2, 3, and about 10, I might add-- does this make a good parent? Hmm, 3-hour violent horror movie.... a pair of 2 and 3-year-old daughters, let's see...... hmmm. Stupid fuckhead.

Anyway, if you haven't seen this movie go see it. If you have, go see it again. It was that good. I'll never understand how Adrian Brody and Jack Black got paired up in a movie, but anyway. And Naomi Watts, well, she was great too. And I think she's totally hhhhhhhhhhot.








Kong ponders Aetna's disappointing selection
of in-network orthodontists.


But Kong stole the movie. I have seen all the CG movies-- from Toy Story 1 & 2 through Jurassic Park through Monsters Inc and The Incredibles and Harry Potter. Not to mention lots of movies that had CG elements-- Terminator 2, The Abyss, Men In Black, etc. And King Kong was far and away the most advanced, the most believable, the most natural CG I have ever seen. Kong's facial expressions were astonishing. This appeared to be a very, very expensive movie. And not just because it has three stars in it. Or because it required gazillions of terabytes of harddrive space and the industry's most talented computer animators.

It was those sets, oh the sets. I don't know what was more impressive; the non-CG island scenes, or the dead-on 1930s New York City scenes. But they were both really well done. They ruined dozens of vintage cars for this. And I love a movie with lots of gratuitus property destruction.

I know it's a remake, but I still found this movie to be brilliant and sad and exciting and ironic and scary and funny ...and days later I'm still talking about it. How many movies can do this?

[No title necessary]

Or caption, for that matter.

Answer this: Do you like trivia?

If you love pop culture like I do, you're going to love this fantastic machine I've been working with. It holds enough movie, tv, music and comic book trivia to mock the writers of Trivial Pursuit.

Yes folks, what we're talking about here is the JonClarke1.0.

Not since the JonClarkeTeen has there been a device that can reel off 50 years of sit-com trivia on a moment's notice - and at Google-like speeds. Or answer your burning sci-fi show questions faster than you can say "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a mechanic." Need the words to the fourth song on Clapton's second album? You got it. Curious to know everything about the Human Torch? Cake. Want a refresher on the story arc of the 19th episode of Seinfeld? Step aside, Cliff Claven.

I know. You want a JonClarke1.0 for the holidays. I do too. We all do. You can't have it. There's only one out there at the moment. It's a prototype. And a woman in Queens owns it. One day, they may come out with a JonClarke2.0, but no one knows when.

Until then, we all have to share.

Could we survive as a species without the 99¢ store?

In a city that charges three bucks the very nanosecond you hop into a cab, you have to be resourceful with your money. Stretch that dollar. But don't tear it. I'm sure someone could write volumes on the marketing psychology behind charging 99¢, instead of charging a dollar. Heck, I'd do it if I was qualified.

On the other hand, I've been hanging around 99¢ stores long enough to notice a little trend.

Used to be, you could walk into one of these classy joints and pretty much get anything for 99¢-- as long as you don't mind buying some craphole brand of whatever it is, say, toothpaste. But then, minty fresh is minty fresh, isn't it? For many products, it simply doesn't matter.

But these places have gotten smart. I don't mind that my shampoo is in Spanish. No mas lagrimas, my friends. I don't even care that I can barely cobble together two or three suds per use. I'm a guy. What bothers me is that the bottles keep getting smaller. Thinner. Slimmer. Shorter. Some even have that giant dimple underneath that carves out half the volume of the bottle. Sneaky. Nah, I won't notice that the bottle's empty after one use. Ah, but it's called a 99¢ store. That's the whole point. I admire them for staying true to the concept. No one ever walked into a 1.59¢ store.











fig. 1. Cottonus Bareminimus.


Hershey chocolate bars have shrunk over the years too. So have Slim Jims. They used to be 10 inches tall. They're half that now. Cracker Jacks. Snickers bars. Cereal boxes. You name it. Even two liter bottles of anything are no more-- Now, for the same price, you get 1.5 liters. Greed manifests itself in interesting ways.

Still, as long as pharmacies charge EIGHT BUCKS for a bottle of mouthwash, I'll embrace my off-brand, thank you very much. I'll hoard my scent-free minisoaps. My shitty, water-absorbent Chinese Band-Aids. My 3-molecule cotton swabs. My child-size hair gel. It's just my way of stickin' it to the man. Wherever he is.