SOLD! to the ...well, I don't know who.

You may notice that the link in my last post doesn't work anymore. That's because somebody bought me! Yay! Actually, that's not true. Well, yes, somebody did buy me, but that's not why the link doesn't work. The link doesn't work because I'm an idiot and can't quite figure out how to upload a completed auction file to a link. I know it can be done. But I don't have enough Nerd in my DNA to do it myself. That's all I'm sayin'. This is where my brother always comes in handy. Boy, you there? Anyway, to the person who bought the Mark Feigenson Cole-Haan ad which contains the canned ham I call a face, I say, who are you "nutzaboutnyc"? A fan? A stalker? an Ex? Reveal yourself!

You want a piece of me?

It looks like Mark Feigenson is for sale after all. Apparently, a Cole-Haan ad I appeared in with my toys a while back is up for auction on ebay right now, for the bargain price of $9.99. So much for feeling like a million bucks. Check it out.

Spam at its lowest #4

I get a lot of requests to respond to the best of the constant barrage of totally serious, yet presumptuously desperate spam emails I get in my other inbox. This time, 2083 new emails arrived in the past few weeks. Here's another sampling of the subject lines from the latest winners, with some commentary as indicated by [ and ].

•Arë yöu lööking to gët läid,guyz 
[Wëll, nöw thät yöu subtlëly bypässëd my späm filtërs with yöur umläuts, I rëälly höpë thë girlz ärë wëäring liëderhösën]

•Amber Rain gags then gets hard anal then gags
[Why would she gag first, then gag again from anal? It just doesn't make any sense.]

•Generik Viagra lifts your penis as a huge crane.
[Ahh, the power of exaggeration using a metaphor. How clever!]

•Everest College Online, a better way to earn your degree
[Better than what? Iona College?]

•No batteries are required for our perfect Replica Classics watches.
[So, it's magic? Or they don't actually work? I think they probably just need to be wound up.]

•Praise God, wear a Heavenly T-shirt
[That's so sweet, but no thanks.]

•Notice: Loww mortagee ratee approved
[I'm really glad they got back to me. I almost forgot I was getting approved for a mortgage by a bank that can't spell the word.]

•Hairy asian college
[I may have to go back and click on this one.]

•Purchase best software while sitting on your chair.
[Whew, thanks for the suggestion. I would have thought you really need to be in an elevator or a bathtub to purchase the best software, you know?]

•New way to make your "friend" lil bigger
[Shh! I think they mean "penis", but I'm not positive.]

•By buying 180 pills, be ready for 15 free pills and free shipping as a bonus.
[Wow, a 9% discount. And free shipping? Can anyone truly be ready for a deal this good?]

•Say Goodbye to Baldness and Get A Gas Card On Us - Details Inside
[Boy, do they know how to cross-promote related products, or what? Say hello to your new PropeciaSunoco Card!]

Just Shoot It

An Iraqi soldier on patrol near Baghdad yesterday, demonstrating my favorite kind of loyalty: brand loyalty.

Product placement is an important part of advertising these days. But I doubt Nike had this in mind.